"I think there are at least three blatant SOBs sucking up my bandwidth, and this is really getting old," he told National Nitwit reporters. "It's getting so bad that it takes, like, 30 seconds just to upload the Google homepage."
Merriworth's innovative solution is to install lead sheeting on the exterior walls of his house to combat the "signal leeches," or people who tap into someone else's wireless Internet connection without permission.
"I was getting ready to remodel the house anyways, so it's not that much more work to cut and hand sections of lead," he said, adding that he is using zinc-coated sheeting for improved safety. "It's either that, or I go back to dial-up."
Merriworth's router in its new leaded location
Merriworth admits that he is not sure if his plan will ultimately succeed in disrupting the actions of his "persistent" piggybacking neighbors.
"I tried passwords and encryption, but these pricks are pretty decent hackers," he acknowledged. "But at the very least I'll be in better shape if someone drops a dirty bomb in the neighborhood."
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He won't have to worry about his bandwidth being stolen once the lead poisoning sets in
