My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
It's a cracker !!
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gordonrussell
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gordonrussell
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[font=Trebuchet]A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."[/font]
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."[/font]
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gordonrussell
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Einsteinian relativity
[font=Century Gothic]Said Einstein, "I have an equation
Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
Let V be virginity
Approaching infinity;
Let P be a constant persuasion;"
Let V over P be inverted
With the square root of P be inserted_
N times into V
The result, Q.E.D.,
Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
[/font]
[font=Century Gothic]Said Einstein, "I have an equation
Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
Let V be virginity
Approaching infinity;
Let P be a constant persuasion;"
Let V over P be inverted
With the square root of P be inserted_
N times into V
The result, Q.E.D.,
Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
[/font]
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gordonrussell
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Pre.S
you could insert any religion in this one and we each can live in our hope:
[font=Comic Sans MS]The Saudi Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention centre where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.
As they talked, the Saudi said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"
The Saudi whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, And Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Iranians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.
" The General leaned toward the Saudi Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..." [/font]
you could insert any religion in this one and we each can live in our hope:
[font=Comic Sans MS]The Saudi Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention centre where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.
As they talked, the Saudi said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"
The Saudi whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, And Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Iranians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.
" The General leaned toward the Saudi Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..." [/font]
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gordonrussell
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The Story Of A Happy Little Rabbit
The Story Of A Happy Little Rabbit
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the sh*t out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little f**ker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the sh*t out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little f**ker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
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Brown Sauce
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Bucking Frilliant..... Bonnie Rarker
This should bring a great laugh to you all (I hope) . Panties wetting job Marie. Try and read this out loud!!
If you can read this without laughing, you must be devoid of laughter cells......
This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.
The irony is, BBC received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds.
Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read........
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.
One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; They were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.. Suddenly there was a bucking fang,
and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a=0 light rucking fesbian
She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks..
The giary fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when Suddenly the clock struck twelve "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella,
and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters
without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kicke. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
A Cracker !!
This should bring a great laugh to you all (I hope) . Panties wetting job Marie. Try and read this out loud!!
If you can read this without laughing, you must be devoid of laughter cells......
This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.
The irony is, BBC received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds.
Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read........
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.
One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; They were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.. Suddenly there was a bucking fang,
and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a=0 light rucking fesbian
She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks..
The giary fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when Suddenly the clock struck twelve "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella,
and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters
without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kicke. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
A Cracker !!
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gordonrussell
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gordonrussell
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[font=Comic Sans MS]A candidate goes in for a job interview and sits down with the Human Resources talent acquisition and psychometric testing director, who asks: ‘What do you think is your worst quality?’ The applicant says: ‘I’m probably too honest’. The HR director says: ‘That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality’. The candidate replies, candidly: ‘I don’t care about what you think’.[/font]
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gordonrussell
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